I’ve had four very senior female leaders come to coaching sessions in the last couple of months.They all came in with the same goal: “I need to work on not crying in the workplace.”
They had something else in common, too. All four told me that they had received the same piece of advice from other senior leaders: “Don’t cry at work.”
Take Jane, a senior researcher at a pharmaceutical company and a potential successor to the Head of Research and Development. Following a particularly heated discussion on restructuring at a recent department meeting, Jane suddenly burst into tears in front of colleagues. The response? Of the six other people present, all men, not one acknowledged her emotions. For the remainder of the meeting, Jane was unanimously ignored.
The following day, her boss offered her the advice to avoid crying during meetings, warning that it could make her look weak and even jeopardize her promotion prospects and her colleagues’ willingness to follow her.
However well-meaning, advising women – or colleagues of any gender – not to cry in the workplace is not helpful. Not only is it essentially ineffective, but it can also perpetuate harmful workplace dynamics while ignoring potentially deeper systemic issues.
Here’s why.
Tears are a cue that something important is happening – and not just for the person crying, but for everyone else in the room. When someone cries, it strips away any veneer of politeness or pretense and reveals that there are issues that should be addressed. Telling women (or men) to hold back their tears often leads to bottled-up stress and anxiety, which can manifest as burnout, disengagement, or even resignation. Confronting these issues is far healthier for an organization than sweeping them under the rug or hoping that consensus exists where it does not. In this sense, tears can be a gift to the organization – revealing the cracks that, if left covered up, risk pushing employees to breaking point.
There’s something else to say about tears. Categorizing them as simply “bad” overlooks the fact that people often cry during positive moments – job well done, a pleasant surprise, or someone else’s success. Shared emotional experiences foster connection and enhance organizational performance.
“Telling women not to cry at work shifts the blame to the individual who is perceived to be at fault and guilty of misbehavior.”
Telling women not to cry at work shifts the blame to the individual who is perceived to be at fault and guilty of misbehavior. But tears rarely arise for no reason. Blaming the person who is crying effectively absolves them of any responsibility for their role in the situation. It also signals to the woman (or man) that it’s up to her to fix a behavioral problem, instead of digging into any organizational dynamics that may be at play.
Jane left her meeting feeling ignored and humiliated. She came into her coaching session believing that she was the problem and searching for techniques to suppress her tears. But the real issue wasn’t her expressing emotions; it was the lack of support and acknowledgment she received – and her inability to bring this to light and ask for what she needed.
Tears are a biological response to emotions such as fear, anger, joy, frustration, or stress. They often occur spontaneously and outside of a person’s direct control.
Think of it like this: people blush when receiving compliments. While they may dislike the attention blushing brings, they are rarely told to stop. By contrast, behaviors like shouting or slamming doors, which may accompany anger, are controllable and therefore warrant adjustment.
Crying, like blushing, is a natural, physiological, human response that is hard to regulate,control, or suppress. It may not be within the individual’s power to avoid tears, or the effort it takes to do so may redouble the tension or stress that they already feel.
Encouraging women to suppress tears reinforces stereotypes around women being too emotional for leadership roles or high-stakes environments.
Encouraging women to suppress tears reinforces stereotypes around women being too emotional for leadership roles or high-stakes environments. This narrative not only undermines women’s credibility but also perpetuates the notion that expressing emotion is some kind of weakness.
This stereotype also creates tension among women. Some women can feel frustrated or embarrassed when female colleagues cry because they fear guilt by association – that they too will be seen as unfit for leadership. These are fears that can limit women’s influence and hamper their career advancement.
A team unable to handle strong emotions, including tears, likely lacks psychological safety – he believes that team members can express themselves without fear of negative consequences.
Psychological safety is crucial for fostering risk-taking, innovation, and open communication.Without it, team members are more likely to act in silos, avoiding collaboration that requires vulnerability and openness.
When women like Jane are told to stifle their emotions, it sends a clear message: certain emotions are unacceptable. This not only erodes trust but also promotes in authenticity, further undermining the foundation needed for effective teamwork.
Rather than discouraging tears or emotional expression, leaders should adopt strategies that foster a supportive and emotionally intelligent workplace. How can you do this?
Reflect on how your own actions, decisions, and facilitation of team interactions influence the emotional climate. Start by considering your role in running meetings: Are they structured in away that encourages all voices to be heard, or do certain individuals dominate the discussion? Are expectations around work outcomes clear, achievable, and supportive of collaboration? If you know that the person is sensitive, are you giving them time to be prepared, or are you catching them off guard? Ask yourself whether your approach fosters inclusion or inadvertently stokes competition or resentment.
Consider, too, how relationships among peers are shaping the team dynamic. Are unresolved tensions or a lack of trust influencing how the group operates?
Effective leaders go beyond simply managing output. They also examine how work is unfolding and who benefits from different dynamics. In every situation, even in chaos, some individuals gain an advantage – either by appearing as stronger leaders or framing their resource requests as more justifiable. Recognizing these shifts in group dynamics is crucial, as they impact everyone involved and ultimately determine the team’s ability to thrive.
When someone cries at work, schedule a one-on-one meeting to understand the emotions behind their tears. Ask open-ended questions like: “Can you share what was going through your mind during that moment?” Or “Help me understand what is triggering such strong reactions?” You can also ask about your role in the situation.
Be prepared to hear things that may challenge your sense of self. Your ability to communicate curiosity without judgment shows genuine concern and creates a stronger foundation for trust.
Use the same one-on-one meeting to understand how you can provide meaningful support going forward. Ask questions like: “How can I help ensure you feel supported in similar situations?” Or: “What kind of response would be most helpful for you in moments of stress?”
This empowers the individual to voice their needs and shapes a more collaborative dynamic.You may also want to ask how the person would like you to follow up with them.
In group meetings, when emotions arise, acknowledge people’s feelings in a neutral and supportive manner.
Instead of focusing on the tears, dig deeper to understand what led to the emotional response. Was it frustration with a decision, lack of clarity, or feeling dismissed? Addressing the root cause can lead to better outcomes for both individuals and the organization.
This approach validates their experience without assigning blame and can be used with all expressions of emotions, not just tears. It encourages open communication and enhances psychological safety.
Teaching your teams how to handle high-stakes or emotionally charged discussions constructively can encourage them to develop multiple solutions to problem-solving before making decisions. Establish norms for respectful dialogue and create processes to resolve conflicts effectively.
By taking these steps, bosses can transform emotional moments into opportunities for connection, growth, and improved team dynamics.
Instead of suppressing emotions, organizations and individuals should embrace these moments as opportunities for growth, connection, and understanding.
Crying at work, while often stigmatized, is a natural and meaningful expression of emotions that can reveal important underlying issues. Instead of suppressing emotions, organizations and individuals should embrace these moments as opportunities for growth, connection, and understanding.
For leaders, this can mean fostering a culture of psychological safety where vulnerability is not penalized but valued as a sign of engagement and commitment. For employees like Jane, it should involve self-awareness, clear communication, and leveraging support systems to navigate emotional challenges with resilience. I’ve put together a set of five steps that I believe can help talented people do just this.
When we collectively shift our perspective on emotions in the workplace, we create environments where everyone feels they can achieve – leading to healthier dynamics, stronger teams, and more authentic leadership. Tears, after all, are not a weakness but a testament to care, passion, and humanity.
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